i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Randomize
