Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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