So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
