I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
