NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
