Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
