i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
