You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
