Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
