Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
