put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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