Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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