My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
