I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Randomize
