you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Can you bring me the toilet please
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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