I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
