I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
