Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
