why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
