shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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