i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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