hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
