The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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