I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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