if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
