Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
