I swear god or herbie drove my car home
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
