Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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