I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
