Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
