You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
