Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
how drunk are you?
Several
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
