i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
