Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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