I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
