Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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