now i know why i became what i already was.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
