She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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