if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
