Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
