after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
