dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
