You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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