My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I want to fling myself into the sun
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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