This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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