if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
