for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
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The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"