I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm way too hungover for life right now
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.