how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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