Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
