Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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