you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Bring me that man meat
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
