just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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