Don't make out with my wife yet
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dick very happy bro
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
