make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
