So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
